Friday, February 15, 2013

Hello again.

It's been a while. I've decided to change the theme of this blog; although, the title still feels fitting to me. For quite a while now, I've been keeping a journal in which I reflect on my own struggles with attempting to live openly and nonviolently. I decided to move that process here for the occasional feedback I may get. A lot of what I've written has to do with using my everyday, often boring, circumstances to see where I'm struggling with principles I try to uphold, like truthfulness and nonaggression. These little events and moments are my buffalo. All I have to work with is what I'm given right now. 

This week I seem to be working on honesty. It's sort of amazing how easy it is for me to feel justified in lying or deceiving. I really have to work to catch myself sometimes. This morning I had to cancel an appointment I'd made because I didn't arrange things properly to actually make it to the appointment.  I knew in the beginning of the week that it was not going to work out for me to go to this appointment but I put off canceling until this morning. I think I did this in part, because in the back of my head I was waiting for the perfect excuses to come along! It was so hard for me to just speak that truth. I wanted to have a million emergencies come out of my mouth instead, a thousand little excuses that just weren't true.

 A teacher, who's name is failing me at the moment, said we need to deal with bourgeois annoyances, the small things that are hard, in order to deal with the more intense crises that may come up. This was a small annoyance. Putting up with the uncomfortable feeling of admitting my own disorganization. "Praise and blame are two sides of the same ego coin", I often tell myself. I love the praise of doing a good job and being organized and getting things done, but I avoid the blame that comes from manifesting the opposite of those things. They're both ego. And I'm not really helping myself with the small lies because I'm not really getting out of mind-set that seeks praise and avoids blame. 

So, I had a good laugh at myself for making such a big deal of this and then said a little prayer:
May we all develop bravery to speak truth or not speak. May we all learn to recognize the way we lie to ourselves and to others. I vow to work to decrease deception in my life and share truth with those I come in contact with. 

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