The past several years I have been invited to an increasingly large number of parties in which the host or hostess's main intention is to sell me something. Typically, I turn down these invites. The parties are almost always for items that I neither need nor want, but occasionally I find myself attending one of these events for a variety of reasons. This was the case this past Wednesday and I wanted to spend a little time reflecting on what these parties mean to me.
One of the first things that stands out to me about these parties is the intense feeling of obligation to buy that they seem to illicit in their attendees. Well, maybe I ought to just speak for myself here - if I'm not checking in with myself while at one of these shindigs then it is pretty easy for me to feel obligated to purchase something. I think this feeling comes from a few different factors. To begin with, they're always at a relative or close friend's house where they are not only being kind enough to open their doors to me, but also, usually, providing food and beverages. This sets up in myself a desire to "return the favor" as it were, by buying whatever it is they're selling. (**Sidenote** - this reminds me of a book I read for an anthropology class called The Poison in the Gift.) I think I also feel obligated to buy because while I'm in the person's living room, surrounded by fancy products, friendly faces, good food, etc. I get a general feeling of warmth and camaraderie. I feel the bonding of the group and then I want to be a part of that group - and it seems like to be a part of this group, I need to buy something, because after all, that's what we're all there for. So to not buy at one of these parties means fighting both the completely normal culturally driven desire to return hospitality and the urge to join in a group. From my perspective that's some tough cultural baggage to put aside.
Ultimately, I don't have a big problem saying "no" to buying at these parties. Often I've prefaced my attendance by letting the host(ess) know that I won't be spending any money. This past week I also had an opportunity to check in with myself aloud because the hostess invited us to ask any questions we had about the product - in this case jewelry. I asked where it was made and she answered that most of it was made in China and Thailand. That was a good way for me to remind myself about why I don't want to be buying items from these parties. This coming weekend there is a craft show on a nearby street and if I'm going to buy jewelry I'd like it to be from a local artisan who I can actually interact with (link).
I wonder what value or purpose these parties hold for me really? Should I keep attending them? This week I went because I like to see all the people that were going to be in attendance and I didn't want to seem unfriendly or dismissive of the hostess. But is this enough of a reason? I'm not sure. As I'm writing, I'm leaning towards no. I still feel like I'm somehow supporting these businesses by going to the parties. I'm supporting them with my presence. It's like I'm saying, "well, I'd buy something if I could, but I'm broke". I am broke, but that's not why I'm not buying. I think maybe a better option in the future might be to explain thoughtfully to the host why I won't be attending and then make a bigger effort to host events that involve the same people and are not focused on buying/selling.
Also, and maybe finally, I think part of the reason my friends and family want to host these events is because a lot of us really are lacking reasons to gather. So much of our society is focused on shopping in one way or another that it can seem like the only valid reason to spend time together is if it has to do with spending money. But there are so many things to do besides going to the mall or a movie or exchanging currency. Maybe it's time for me to make a bigger effort with my loved ones to spend time engaging with them in things that I find valuable. I'd hate for them to feel like we need to spend money in order to spend time.
"So much of our society is focused on shopping in one way or another that it can seem like the only valid reason to spend time together is if it has to do with spending money."
ReplyDeleteI had a Political Theory professor who was trying to get the phrase, "communicative capitalism," to catch on. This is a prime example. You're welcome, Jodi.
The other thing that you are pushing uphill against is the American inclination to show status and social relevance (a lot like Eileen's "only valid reason" methinks) via conspicuous consumption. That phrase nails a bunch of things for me. Ahhhh... useful language: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conspicuous_consumption
ReplyDeleteI finally found your Blog and became a fan, and this is the first post of yours that I've read. I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents...though it will not be nearly as insightful necessarily as Eileen and Cal's comments. Anyway....I was also invited to the same jewelry party that night but didn't end up going. I get invited to those types of parties all the time by people at school and family ect. I turn down 90% of the invites because I tell them up front that I don't, and won't buy anything so don't see the point in going. I would go to be social except that like you Gwen, I always feel a certain obligation to spend money. I never do buy anything when I go, but I always feel guilty about it. Which I think is an unfortunate occurrence, but it happens all the same.
ReplyDeleteThe whole idea of spending money in order to see people is also unfortunate, but I see where that has started to happen. As your sister, I find myself increasingly grateful for the relationship we've built over the years. For anyone who doesn't know, Gwen and I have a somewhat standing date on Thursday nights to have dinner together, make a cocktail (or 2 or 3...but not a mandatory part of the evening!), talk and then usually watch start trek...or some other movie/show that we inevitably talk through anyway! I also have a standing breakfast date with my father on Sunday mornings. I find myself looking forward to these visits all week long. Which is a refreshing change from dreading events like these parties...either because I feel bad refusing them, or because I feel bad not buying anything.
My point being that free quality time feels a lot more like "quality" time, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so!
Another great description is "relative deprivation" - we used this in grad school a lot when talking about some conflicts created by economic inequities, but it can apply to individuals or groups. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relative_deprivation
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments, I really enjoy hearing others' thoughts and ideas on all this!
I like your idea of explaining why you won't go, and hosting your own parties. Try a swap party -- everyone cleans out their closets, brings what they no longer want, and dumps it in the middle of the floor (or, if you want you can have a more civilised system involving tables or something). Then everyone else picks through, tries things on, takes home what they like. Everything unclaimed at the end of the night goes to a second-hand shop or a charity.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good way to turn socialising around so that it isn't focused on buying. It privileges reusing and makes people think about why they are hoarding things in the first place.
Stopping by from VAH. This is a great post; I empathize completely about these "parties."
ReplyDelete"...I'd hate for them to feel like we need to spend money in order to spend time." Yes, exactly. But why does it come down to that so often? I think I need to bring back board game night. You think they'd go for it?
These are great ideas! Last week, in fact, my housemate and I did host a swap night and it was a blast! Not to mention I got a couple of cool pieces of clothing! We were also just discussing hosting a board game night as well - I'll write about both soon!
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